Death by a Million Cuts: The Danger You Don’t See Coming

I once read a brilliant analogy, a father explaining to his son why women move through the world cautious of men.

He said:

“Think of women dealing with men like you deal with firearms at the deer lease. The first rule? Assume it’s loaded and dangerous until you confirm it’s not.”

The son instantly got it.

But I want to add a truth I’ve learned the hard way:

Not all “loaded guns” look dangerous.

Me: “The worst men I’ve known never raised a hand.”

Them: “So, no physical abuse?”

Me: “Exactly. The ones who hit you, you can name. You can compartmentalize it. You know it’s wrong.

The most dangerous ones were methodical, calculated. They dismantled me with gaslighting, emotional manipulation, financial control, and charm so polished it could pass inspection. They didn’t explode, they corroded.”

Them: “So… like slow damage?”

Me: “Slow, deliberate damage. The most dangerous ones don’t just hurt you, they drop poison in your drink by getting you to buy into their storyline.

They feed you just enough sweetness to make the bitterness go down. They use that sedation to paralyze their prey, keeping you still while they strip pieces of you away.

It’s psychological warfare.

I had to start recording the stories he would spin because line by line they would change… and then disappear altogether.

These men break you down, then get off on watching you break, it makes them feel powerful. The pain they cause becomes proof, in their minds, that they matter.

But here’s the truth they can’t escape: under that layer, they’re broken, insecure, and completely disconnected from their own spirit.”

Them: “So how do you know before it’s too late?”

Me: “You trust the one safety check they can’t fake, your nervous system.

If being around someone makes your breath shallow, your chest tight, or your mind foggy… that’s your body screaming you’re not safe. No debate, no doubt, get out.

Because sometimes what looks good and sounds good doesn’t feel good. And if it doesn’t feel good, it’s not for you.”

And this isn’t just for women already in the game, we have to pass this to our daughters.

We must teach them to trust their intuition over their intellect. Sometimes the person they meet may be kind to everyone else, seem harmless in public, yet carry ulterior motives with them. Their body will feel it before their mind can name it. That’s the alarm.

I’ve seen it again and again, many women who fall into abusive dynamics were neglected or abused as children. It feels familiar. They watched their own mothers abandon safety and well-being in the name of distorted love, and it modeled what was “tolerable.”

And here’s another non-negotiable:

Teach them financial independence before marriage.

Make sure they know how to take care of themselves so they’re never trapped in an abusive or controlling environment simply because they don’t know how to survive on their own.

Women are already more vulnerable in a world where physical strength, financial leverage, and societal bias can stack against them, but pregnancy can heighten that vulnerability even more. Your body is in a weakened state, your resources and energy are stretched, and your focus shifts to protecting the life you carry. It’s the easiest time for a controlling or abusive person to tighten their grip.

This is why slowing things down before that stage is crucial. Do a self-check-in: Is this partnership what I would want for my own daughter?

Test the waters. Say no to them and see how they honor your no. If they try to push past it, they don’t deserve your yes, because they don’t respect you or themselves. Watch how they handle disappointment before you commit to them. People can fake patience and charm for a while, but they can’t hide how they respond when they don’t get their way.

Me: “And here’s something else I’ve learned: if you value superficiality or materialism above integrity, service, or purpose, you’ll be more likely to be drawn to the glitter before you notice that the gold is covered in poison.

Abusers know how to shine just enough to catch your attention, but that shine is often a distraction from what’s rotting underneath. By the time you see past the glitter, you’ve already breathed in the toxins.

And many of the worst offenders? They’re loved by many. Praised. Pedestaled in the public eye.

They know how to charm a crowd, serve the right causes, and keep their image spotless, but behind closed doors, they shift with you. The person you see in private is not the one the world applauds.

That split is part of the strategy. It makes you doubt your own experience, because everyone else only sees the hero, never the harm.”

Women already know not every man is dangerous. But until we’re sure, we have to treat every interaction like the gun might be loaded. And some of the most dangerous ones are the ones you never hear go off, until you realize you’ve been bleeding out for years.

Some guns don’t go off with a bang, they empty you slowly, until you no longer remember who you were before you held them.